


The Fall of Phil Coulson

by orderlychaos



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Attempt at humour, Clint hates clothes, M/M, Phil's going insane, Present Tense, Weird, and liking it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-10
Updated: 2013-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-08 02:07:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/755747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orderlychaos/pseuds/orderlychaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Agent Phil Coulson hears about the Avengers Initiative, he thinks he’s spent one too many days in the desert.  The second time he hears about it – from Nick Fury no less – he realizes it isn’t some wet dream thought up by the fevered minds of the R&D department, but is actually true.</p>
<p>After that, he doesn’t know what the hell to make of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fall of Phil Coulson

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was something I wrote for fun because I'm stuck with the various plotty bits of everything else I'm trying to write. I'm not sure how it turned out but it was fun to write :) Comments and criticisms are always welcome!

 

The first time Agent Phil Coulson hears about the Avengers Initiative, he thinks he’s spent one too many days in the desert.  The second time he hears about it – from _Nick Fury_ no less – he realizes it isn’t some wet dream thought up by the fevered minds of the R &D department, but is actually _true_.

After that, he doesn’t know what the hell to make of it.

There’s absolutely no doubt in his mind what his best friend Agent Jasper Sitwell thinks of it, however, because Jasper doesn’t stop cursing for a week.  He flings words like ‘deranged’ and ‘insane’ and ‘going to end up dead’ around with permanently pissy look on his face that Phil can’t quite decipher, despite the many years they’ve been friends.

The rest of SHIELD seems to think it’s the best idea since humans discovered C4 and the junior agents spend most of their time discussing what kind of underwear Captain America wears into battle underneath his skin-tight suit and how many possible ways they can _find out_.  Phil just rolls his eyes and hopes the world will regain some sense of sanity before their next world-threatening mission.  He certainly doesn’t tell anyone that Steve wears plain old briefs.

By the time the order comes down that Phil is the Avenger’s new SHIELD liaison, he’s pretty much resigned himself to the chaotic nightmare his life has become.  The junior agents are still permanently discussing superhero underwear and Jasper hasn’t lost his pissy expression in a month.  Phil, naturally, is stuck in the middle of both and no one spares him a passing thought.  He vainly hopes that things will change when Jasper and the rest of SHIELD get used to a team of superheroes being more than an idea, but he really isn’t prepared for what happens next.

The vague outline of remarkable, heroic people is blown to smithereens and Phil can feel a migraine begin to permanently pound at his temples.  Captain America chokes on what appears to be a genuine aneurysm, but Phil doesn’t miss the way his eyes are glued to the dynamic man formerly known as the Winter Soldier just liked everyone else.  Even from where he’s standing, Phil can tell Sergeant Barnes is all sharp edges and danger and going to burn anyone who touches him, but Steve is all curses and staring and _Bucky_ , so Phil gives up the fight almost immediately.  There’s no arguing with Steve in a mood like that and he’ll learn soon enough anyway.

Sure enough, three seconds later, Steve is in the middle of a three-way yelling match with Barnes and _Tony Stark_ and Phil winces when he realizes Stark is probably the only person in existence who takes Steve’s natural leadership, charisma and boy-next-door charm as a an affront to the continuation of his whole _reality_.  The sparks they’re all setting off could melt the whole damn Helicarrier and Phil spends a moment wondering how much shit he can deal with before he decides to toss them all over the side.  Phil isn’t sure who wants to sleep with who, expect for Stark who wants clearly wants to sleep with _everybody_ , but he’ll bet his annual salary on the fact that when they finally work it out, Stark’s going to be in a happy mood for _months_.  It’s almost worth the whole pain in the damn ass that Stark’s going to be in the mean time.

And then, of course, there’s _Clint_ ; because while everybody else is deciding whether or not to hate Barnes on sight, Clint has clearly decided to declare his mortal enemy to be _clothing_.

It feels like someone’s cranked the heat right up even though Phil is standing outside in the middle of the flight deck of the _Helicarrier_ and the breeze could be called anything but warm.  His suit is suddenly too tight and if there was ever breath in his lungs, there certainly isn’t now.  He realizes most of this at the same moment he discovers his mouth is open and all of his blood is rushing south.  Phil is vaguely aware that Stark is _still_ arguing with Steve as some of the junior agents launch into wolf whistles that make Clint smirk and literally shake his ass, but most of Phil’s attention is firmly fixed on trying not to make an idiot out of  himself.  When Clint looks over at him, Phil’s stomach does a languid flip at the slow, wicked smile that curves his lips and Phil knows he’s _gone_.

Over the next few days, Phil learns that Clint’s diabolical plan is even more dangerous than he imagined.  Natasha and Bruce have taken over the role of big, protective siblings who take an instant dislike to the proceedings as only siblings can and Phil doesn’t really blame them, not after his not-actually-dying, but it’s really not his fault.  Both Natasha and Bruce are scary enough in their own right; Phil thinks he could probably take them, but only if they come at him one at a time and he’s got at least a little warning.  Together, they’ll probably make his death look like an accident, but Phil figures it would still be worth it.

Life falls into a pattern; Jasper bitches at every opportunity, Stark attempts to piss off every human being on the planet, the junior agents are all still horny little shits and Natasha and Bruce are still plotting Phil’s death.  Phil gives up holding onto his sanity about the third time Clint finds some way of stripping almost naked in front of him and ending up in his lap and jumps the whole way into hell.  Part of Phil wonders when the dam with break because he knows he’s heading for the edge, but the rest of him just doesn’t care.  He _likes_ the new madness he’s found himself in and unlike Jasper, Phil decides to embrace it because the Avengers are every bit as dangerous as Fury said they’d be.

It’s as if someone created the perfect mixture of chaotic genius, insane combat skills and the general psychosis that makes the whole team practically indestructible, all wrapped in what has to be the hottest people on this side of the universe.  Considering most of them could smite Stark with their pinkies, Pepper practically _begs_ the billionaire to stop irritating his team mates, but being Stark, he refuses to listen.  Phil figures if the fifth concussion from Barnes can’t convince Stark, then not even _Pepper_ has a snowball’s chance in hell to do better.  Phil is more than moderately worried when Stark gets put on a mission side-by-side with Barnes; there’s only two other people on the mission to stop Stark getting murdered and considering only one of them is an Avenger and _none_ of them are named Steve Rogers, Phil’s pretty much writing his eulogy right there.

Somehow Stark comes back in one piece, the odd bullet-wound notwithstanding and a dopey grin on his face, and when Phil finds out it was _Barnes_ that went in to save him, his jaw almost drops straight to the floor.  Phil knows he’s in trouble now, because if anything is going to crack the dam, it’s Barnes actually saving Stark’s ungrateful ass.

Low and behold, that’s _exactly_ what happens.

Chaos has _nothing_ on the Avengers.  Phil still doesn’t know how it happened and he’s pretty sure it will _never_ make sense, but in a few short weeks, Thor announces to every major news network that, _yes_ , he has in fact slept with all of the other Avengers, Barnes moves into Stark’s bedroom – with _Steve_ – and Natasha rocks up to breakfast one morning wearing Bruce’s shirt and _absolutely nothing else_.

Phil’s brain stops functioning at that point.

One awkward conversation later, Fury and the World Security Council are having a pissing contest in the middle of the Times Square over _yet another_ nuke and _God_ , Phil has _never_ missed carrying around a rifle more than in _his life_.  Since his life has stopped equaling reality, Phil has _no_ idea how he survives that confrontation alive, but he’s pretty sure it’s the Avengers’ fault.  He’s pretty sure _everything_ is their fault and everything will _always be_ their fault, so he feels safe in blaming them.

It’s not the last time Phil’s life makes a giant jump in time, because Phil isn’t really sure how he got to this moment either.  He’s not complaining and _never_ would, but he’s still confused.  Phil stops being confused about three seconds later, because _seriously_ , who the fuck _cares_ how he got here, anyway?

He’s naked, _Clint_ is naked and they’re naked together and Phil doesn’t need a _brain_ to figure out what he wants to happen next.  And he’s not planning on changing that for days, because _screw_ Fury and the WSC and everyone else.  He’s done his fair share of handling shit as his world went crazy and now he’s going to just fucking _enjoy_ it.

Phil does feel a little sorry for Jasper when Jasper comes looking for him and gets an eyeful, but he’s not _that_ sorry, because as he’s pretty sure he previously mentioned _Clint’s naked_.  Besides, Jasper has been a total _ass_ for weeks and he can just shove it.

When Phil finally surfaces, Jasper gives him a moody frown and sarcastically commends him for finally finding his pants.  Phil tells him to take a running jump off the side of the ‘carrier.  When Jasper continues to be a moody asshole, Phil reminds him that Jasper has his own gun-toting girlfriend and maybe Jasper should stop assuming Phil’s going to solve all his problems and go on midnight coffee runs with him.

Jasper is scarce after that for a while, probably because he’s searching the ‘carrier for a new best friend.

Phil is strangely okay with that.

Jasper turns up again a few days later with the inescapable knowledge that there’s no one quite like Phil.  There’s also no one on the whole ‘carrier who gets Jasper’s jokes – aside from Maria and even _that’s_ debatable – so Jasper seems stuck with Phil for the foreseeable future.  When Phil points this out, Jasper tells him he’s been spending too much time around the Avengers.  Phil counters with the fact that the Avengers _love_ him and he doesn’t care.

There’s going to be a moment in his life, probably near the end when any hair he’s got left has gone white and he’s surrounded by a million baby agents who haven’t even been born yet, when someone is going to ask Phil how he got there.  Phil isn’t going have an answer for that mystery person because he really doesn’t know.  He’s still going to blame the Avengers and the smile on his face is going to be big enough to split it in two, because Phil’s worked out the secret to his life.  Yes, the Avengers are responsible for the chaos and the insanity that make up 99% of Phil’s life – but the reasons he loves them are the same ones that make them so damn irritating.

He tells Jasper this and Jasper gives him a look that requests Phil seek urgent psychiatric help.  Phil just stares at him long enough until Jasper finally gets it.  Yes, the Avengers are mad and crazy and all kinds of weird, but _that’s_ why he loves them.  If Phil had a choice to chose Clint crazy or sane, he’d pick crazy every time because that’s just who Clint _is_.  He’s the insane idiot who gets ideas about how to sneak into Stark’s workshop in the middle of the night and can’t sit still in briefings and can walk single-handed into an HYDRA camp and still come out with the hostages in one piece.  He’s beautiful and dangerous and Phil will _never_ understand the way his mind works, but he doesn’t want to.

He just wants to be lucky enough to spend his lifetime loving Clint.

And when Clint tells Phil that he loves him, Phil figures that his luck has held out, because he’ll get the lifetime he wants.  Jasper complains that his life will be a never-ending chaotic adrenaline rush and Phil just tangles his fingers with Clint’s and tells Jasper to suck it up.

Because that’s what life with the Avengers is all about.


End file.
